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Wednesday, March 20, 2013 11:04 am

The math to true love

You need to tell men to never be the first to say those “three little words.” A woman will tell you she’s ready to hear them by telling you first. It seems the dating gurus agree: When a man says “I love you” first, he throws the attraction physics all off because he lowers his value in the woman’s subconscious. –Concerned Guy

When you’re looking into a woman’s eyes and there’s that awkward moment of silence, there are plenty of things you can say besides “I love you” – like, “I was going to say something, but now I’m not” or “Have I told you I’ve started drinking the blood of freshly killed unicorns?”

It is wise to avoid spewing mush all over a woman on, say, the third date. The premature “I love you” tends to translate as “I really don’t know you, beyond how you like your steak, but I love any woman who doesn’t block my calls or spot me coming down the sidewalk and duck into a real estate office and beg them to hide her.” Of course, what really lowers a man’s “value in the woman’s subconscious” is being someone who needs a “dating guru” to help him be calculating; he can’t just be. Women value men who don’t seem to be living by others’ dictates – men who are spontaneous and fun and don’t have a faraway look in their eyes because they’re trying to recall something they heard on some dating webinar.

Now, a lot of men have childhoods that don’t exactly lead them to walk the planet feeling like they own the place. So, it’s understandable if you began your dating life as a wimpy, approval-seeking suckup, but if you continue along those lines, you’re a lazy, wimpy, approval-seeking suckup. Having value in a woman’s eyes takes having value in your own, which takes doing the work to develop self-respect instead of just fencing off that huge sinkhole in your self so no squirrels or neighborhood dogs fall in.  

Once you have self-respect, it’ll seem ridiculous to pull out some dating calculus book to figure out what to say to a woman and when. The right words will just flow at the right time out of genuine feeling that’s developed between you. Sure, there’s always that chance that some woman who seemed into you will have an attack of the commitment heebies or decide that she doesn’t feel the same way. If you’re more of a man’s man than a worm’s worm, this won’t be a statement on your worth. It’s just a sign that you need to look for a woman who wants you as much as you want her. If you’re secure, chances are you’ll eventually find a partner who won’t want to leave you – and not just because you always open the door for her when she gets that look in her eye that says, “I can’t wait one more moment to pee on the neighbors’ rosebushes.”

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon. 2013, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. 

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