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Friday, July 9, 2010 05:08 pm

I want to go to Miami, too!

Let’s take a break from fitness for just a moment to discuss “The Decision.” I happened to catch hoops prodigy LeBron James’ announcement that he would play for the Miami Heat, and I just have to make a few things clear to the world of sports:

1) Professional athletes are a bunch of overpaid clowns. Basketball players throw an orange ball through a metal circle suspended twelve feet in the air and get a brazillian dollars for it because it’s entertaining to watch. I spent five years in school learning to analyze politics, build computer databases and write professionally so that I can perform a vital public service. No one offered me millions of dollars, and I sure as heck didn’t have a press conference to announce my acceptance of a job offer. I can’t dunk, though…so that might have had something to do with it.

2) It’s not the end of the world, Cleveland. There’s no need to torch LeBron’s jersey in effigy, accuse him of betraying you or write nasty things about him in your little diaries. He’ll always have a special place for you in his heart, even though he’ll be making sweet sports love to some floozy of a city in the near future.

3) Just because LeBron was good at Cleveland doesn’t mean he’ll be good at Miami. Environment has a lot to do with how well an athlete performs, and if the environment in Miami somehow isn’t right for him, he may just fizzle out. I’ve been told that Miami has a ton of all-stars headed their way. Fine, I wish you luck. But consider this: what happens when you put five ball hogs on the same team? Everybody plays for themselves and the team doesn’t function as a team. I’m not saying that’s a sure thing, and I don’t even know which alleged “all-stars” with whom Mr. James will be playing, but I do know that I’ve played a lot of sports with a lot of talented people who didn’t know how to play well with others.

I really do wish LeBron the best, though. He’s got an amazingly bright future ahead of him, and he seems to have worked hard to get where he is. Let’s just hope it all works out for the best. Come on, Cleveland…let’s go get a beer.

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