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Thursday, Sept. 8, 2005 01:40 am

What about "unintelligent design"?

Men have nipples and dogs bad breath. Somebody goofed.

"Intelligent design" is the latest buzzword of the right-wing Bible-thumping cultists who keep pushing to Christianize our public schools.

The intelligent-design crowd flatly rejects the science of evolution as apostasy, asserting that life on this earth is way too wondrous to have simply evolved. They point to Genesis as proof that a mighty God schemed it all out and — poof! — miraculously created our world whole in only six days. They insist that intelligent design be taught in our schools and given equal weight with evolution.

Well, why teach only two beliefs? I submit that our world is pretty chaotic, often reflecting neither intelligence nor progressive evolution. "Unintelligent design" is my theory. For example, here in Texas, we can get 6 inches of rain in an hour, then go six weeks without a drop. First we're drowned, then we're parched. Who planned this? Or take tornadoes — does God hate trailer-park people? Why not hit some of those rich gated compounds every once in a while?

Also, I'd like to talk to whoever designed our bodies. For example, men have nipples — what's up with that? Even bigger, why do we get sick before we die? I can understand the necessity of death (otherwise they'd be no room for others), but well-designed people should be healthy and happy, until — bingo — we check out.

There are so many other flaws in our world that defy anything logical or miraculous about creation. Why are there ticks and mosquitoes? Dogs are good, but why must they drool and have bad breath? Why haven't we evolved beyond the madness of war? And here's a big one: Why would an intelligent designer produce Tom DeLay?

It's clearly time to teach the theory of unintelligent design.

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