Home / Articles / Features / Bybee / Hamburger, in the eye of the beholder
Print this Article
Tuesday, June 20, 2006 01:41 am

Hamburger, in the eye of the beholder

Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, hold this thought

Doctor: No more hamburgers for you! Neighborhood bar and grill: $2. Police officer: The alleged hamburger. Teenager: Like, you know, like hamburger. Old-timer: In my day, we didn’t have hamburgers. We ate dirt, and we were damn happy to have dirt. Why, I remember one time in ’48, maybe ’49, we were playin’ football with a rock, and we were damn happy to have a rock and . . . Fast food: All-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun — $3.95. Assistant: Hamburger helper. Politician (national): I have a hamburger vision. Politician (state): The hamburger is in Chicago. Politician (local): I’ve never smoked a hamburger. Ex-Illinois governors: Wednesday is hamburger day in the prison mess hall. Bad hamburger poet: I think that I shall take a seat/and eat hamburgers as a treat./No need for bun and all its wheat,/the fat alone makes it complete./A cookie baked upon a sheet,/tastes OK — but where’s the meat?/And once I tried to eat a beet,/but I could not complete the feat. /For as we know, when life is sweet,/the greasy burger can’t be beat. Minister: God bless the hamburger. Stockbroker: Sell hamburgers; buy hot dogs. Broker fee: $100. Bad hamburger joke: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda have another hamburger? Classic hamburger joke: I went to a movie the other day, and in the front row was a bald man with a hamburger toupee on his head. The movie was both funny and sad. In the sad parts, the hamburger cried; in the funny parts, the hamburger laughed. After the film ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” I said. “That hamburger really seemed to enjoy the film.” The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is amazing, because it hated the book.” Editor: Do you need to say “on his head?” Does not “toupee” imply that the hamburger is on his head? Philosopher: Those who live by the hamburger die by the hamburger. It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. Vegetarian: Soy burger. Meat market: Ground USDA chuck. Chain restaurant: Hickory-smoked prime beef smothered in our signature barbecue sauce, nestled on a bed of garden-fresh iceberg lettuce, sprinkled with hearty California sun-kissed parsley, flanked by a succulent medley of homegrown premium hand-picked onions, accompanied by our world-famous extra-thick homemade mustard blend. Served on a fresh-baked hoagie roll, topped off with a deluxe array of crisp pickles. $9.95. Add our celebrated mushrooms for only $2.95. Top-of-the-line restaurant: $29.95 Springfield: Hamburger horseshoe. Belgium: Hamburger horsemeat. State worker: Take your time cookin’ that hamburger — I’m on a three-hour lunch break. Psychiatrist: How does the hamburger make you feel? Grade-school teacher: Don’t talk while you’re chewing, and never end a hamburger with a sentence. Coach: There’s no “I” in hamburger. Conservative: Another example of the left-wing liberal press misleading the American people — for, after exhaustive study, we have determined that the so-called hamburger is, in fact, more beef than ham. We have therefore initiated a lawsuit to . . . Liberal: Another example of the Bush administration in bed with big business to mislead the American people — for, after exhaustive study, we have determined that the so-called hamburger is, in fact, more beef than ham. We have therefore initiated a lawsuit to . . . U.S. Supreme Court: Ham v. Burger Me: I think I’ll have a double hamburger with everything, extra onions, large fries, and a tall glass of cold beer. Wife: Think again! No more hamburgers for you!
Log in to use your Facebook account with

Login With Facebook Account

Recent Activity on IllinoisTimes


  • Fri
  • Sat
  • Sun
  • Mon
  • Tue
  • Wed
  • Thu
Get "IT" in your inbox
 Illinois Times was gratified by the number of entires that we received for the Visitors Guide Cover Art Contest. We would like to thank all of the 56 participants who submitted entries. Your eff...


Saturday Feb. 13th
Saturday Feb. 13th