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Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2006 05:59 pm

Very fuzzy logic

It's hard to get a clear picture of anything, especially political candidates

Fuzzy logic, as you may or may not know, is a real live mathematical concept with an acronym (FL), a formula of sorts, and a long explanation full of words such as “empirically based,” “significant error,” “significant rate of change of error,” “partial-set membership rather than crisp-set membership,” “error slope,” and “adaptive control.”

Given that the fuzzy logic text explanation runs 500 pages, no one cares to understand it much more than its two-paragraph summary displayed on their first Google return, which is how my good Internet friend Hal Jimmie Fuzzaddle found it when he mistyped his last name.

The Google summary for “fuzzy logic” summary read, “highly adaptive control system,” “missing information,” and “FL mimics how a person would make decisions with incomplete data.” That was more than enough for Hal Jimmie, because Hal Jimmie is a conspiracy expert, a chain-letter master, and a guru of intrigue — and therefore he saw through this fuzzy-logic new world order plot immediately.

And before you dismiss him as a nut, please remember that without Hal Jimmie we would not have known that Texas was going to secede from the Union had John Kerry won the presidential election or that the eyeball on the $1 bill is a satanic symbol inflicted by international bankers or that the bar code on your milk carton is phase one of a plan to inject government IDs into all consumer products, including carrots and parrots — so that “they” can know how much milk you drink! And whether you like baby carrots! And whether your parrot speaks Arabic when it’s excited!

Perhaps even more noteworthy is that Hal Jimmy was first to the “theory” that if you send a letter to 10 people asking them each to give you $100,000 and they honor your request, you will be a millionaire!

Hal Jimmie reports that what is especially frightening about the fuzzy-logic conspiracy is the audacity of it. “Mind-boggling,” he explains. “They admit in bold print to adaptive-control and people-mimic. Our only possible hope of survival is that some enlightened politicians are aware of the plot and consequently inform the people! Naturally they can’t go into plot detail, don’t want to panic the public, but they can let us know when their opponent is FLC-affiliated.”

Admittedly it’s sometimes hard to follow Hal Jimmie’s reasoning — until you review the evidence — in this case, the evidence in campaign materials!

Campaign brochures and TV ads wherein the picture of the enlightened candidate is sharp and defined proving absolutely the candidate is not fuzzy and never has been, in contrast to their opponent’s picture which is fuzzy, proving without doubt that the opponent is completely out of focus, not above mimicking people, and is FLC-involved.

The next step, “if” it is not already being done, Hal Jimmie suggests, is to use holographic technology (as it was used in the fake moon landings) and continue the exposé during live debates. Nothing is out of bounds. The end justifies the means when fighting the new world order and, most likely, the international bankers in their jointly financed FL scheme.

Moderator: Candidate Bill, what’s your opinion on the investment tax credit?

Candidate Bill: Look at this giant fuzzy gray holographic of my opponent: It looks a lot like a mug shot, doesn’t it? A mug shot very similar to the mug shot of a tax-dodger!

Moderator: Candidate John, your opinions on Social Security funding and funding for education, please.

Candidate John: My opinion has always been clear, as you can see by this very sharp picture of me talking to senior citizens and schoolchildren at the same time, whereas this holograph of my opponent is so fuzzy that you can’t tell whom he’s talking to. It could be the new world order, for all we know.

And while no reasonable person could argue with Hal Jimmie’s findings, I did remind him that all political candidates, all sides to the election possibility, exposed their opponents as fuzzy by using fuzzy pictures and that the logic of all candidates seemed continually fuzzy.

Hal Jimmie thought for a long day, then declared that it was too late. The FLC had already succeeded: All candidates were involved — but, thank, God, scientists had recently discovered a new planet just beyond Pluto, so that “selected people,” including him, could go home. A reprieve — until another conspiracy expert noted that all pictures of the new planet were fuzzy! And then Hal Jimmie attempted suicide by brushing his teeth with fluoride!

Too late? I don’t think so. I think we can still beat ’em — if you send this article to 10 friends and ask them each to send me $100,000.

For instructions on sending money to Doug Bybee Sr., e-mail him at dougbybee@sbcglobal.net

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