In the year 2007
One thing's for sure: Dick Cheney's aim will be true
Daylight hardly visits this quick December day. The pin oak out back drops its last leaf; the world hereabouts is quiet after its Christmas rush. You can reach out and touch the end of 2006 — it’s time again for Yanks Avatar to make his New Year predictions. He speaks:
January — Movie stars will rush to adopt the currently popular less fortunate. Angelina Jolie will adopt six Third World children; not to be outdone, Madonna will adopt an entire Ecuadorian village. Jolie will counter by adopting the Chicago Cubs.
Five-year-old Heather Sweet, Miss Kindergarten USA, will repeatedly stay up past her 8 p.m. bedtime and be forced by Donald Trump to make a public apology and go directly to rehab. Dick Cheney will shoot Jimmy Carter.
A satellite photo will prove conclusively that Southern California is in Mexico. The Chicago Bears will win the Super Bowl by forfeit when the San Diego Chargers are drummed out of the NFL players’ union after they agree to play for “wages substantially less than American players.” Let ’em play soccer!
February — Pope Benedict XVI will declare Barack Obama a saint. Northwestern University will win the NCAA basketball tournament — after a three-hour game delay while Dick Cheney attempts to shoot, um, a basket.
March — God will come to Earth and declare that ballroom dancing is the one true religion. Baptists will waltz with Muslims. Hindus will mambo with Lutherans.
Hillary and Bill Clinton will attend a Sunday-morning tango service — and Dick Cheney will shoot Hillary when Bill tries to dip her.
April — The new Springfield City Council will mandate smoking in public places. Millions of dollars in tobacco-tax revenues will allow the city to buy Cuban cigars for stay-at-home moms and unlimited Marlboros for Hummer owners. Dick Cheney will shoot his mom.
May — The American Medical Association will officially classify George W. Bush as a disease. Dick Cheney will shoot the surgeon general.
June — The Democrats will raise the minimum wage to $206 per hour and will then immediately resign their congressional seats to become short-order cooks. Ted Kennedy will eat every hamburger he cooks at an Atlantic City Burger King, balloon to 603 pounds, and explode all over New Jersey — when Cheney gut-shoots him.
July — With only Republicans left in Congress, the National Rifle Association will walk through a law requiring all Americans over the age of 6 to pack heat.
Dick Cheney will finally get a clean shot at Bill Clinton.
August — Using a syringe instead of a bat, Barry Bonds will hit his 756th home run, breaking Hank Aaron’s record. Dick Cheney will shoot Hank Aaron.
Kim Jong Il, disguised as Don King’s hair, will attend a heavyweight championship fight in Las Vegas — and kiss Mike Tyson on the lips. Dick Cheney will shoot Don King.
September — Mike Tyson will become head of nuclear development in North Korea and henceforth be called “Sweet Friend of Beloved Leader.” Everyone in North Korea will be required to have an atomic-bomb tattoo on his or her ass.
After exhaustive study, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security will discover that there are no terrorists taller than 7 feet or shorter than 4 feet. Dick Cheney will misinterpret the document’s fine print and shoot an NBA center and an elf.
October — Indiana will declare itself a monarchy and proclaim Barack Obama king.
Al Gore will invent an alternate Internet and then move to “high ground” in anticipation of Alaska’s melting.
The Chicago White Sox will win the World Series, and Dick Cheney, being a New York fan, will shoot the entire New York Yankees pitching staff.
November — China will call in the $679 quadrillion Treasury-bond debt we owe ’em, and, having no money left in our coffers, we will pay off the debt by giving them Texas. The Chinese will rename Texas the “Land of Whispering Pandas,” require that all barbecue include bean sprouts and pea pods, and order that bland rice be served in roadside honky-tonks.
Ex-Texas will be walled in to stop illegal Texan immigration. Dick Cheney will shoot a panda.
In Illinois, Gov. Rod Blagojevich will be indicted and found guilty of falsifying a public document when it’s discovered that his driver’s license lists him at 160 pounds. (He weighs, in fact, 173.)
Blagojevich will be shot by Dick Cheney during a prison break led by a prison-weight-room-addicted, buffed-up George Ryan.
December — Dick Cheney will shoot Barack Obama, only to discover later that Obama is Santa Claus.
And on the last day, Dec. 31, 2007, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush will rumba the night away. Cheney will lead: It will be a
Contact Doug Bybee Sr. at firstname.lastname@example.org.