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Thursday, Dec. 1, 2005 05:22 pm

Careful what you say

Washington can be a bizarre, mean, and unforgiving place

From: Tommy Vietor, press secretary
To: Rich Miller Subject: Obama press release U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., today released the following statement about U.S. Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta’s pledge to provide $337 million in federal funds for expansion at O’Hare International Airport: “This funding is an important first step in the O’Hare modernization process which ultimately will make our nation’s aviation system safer and more efficient.”

From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor Re: Obama press release Going out on a limb as always, I see.
From: Tommy Vietor To: Rich Miller Re: Obama press release We are also pro-puppy, for the record.
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor Re: Obama press release
Does that mean he’s anti-kitten?
From: Tommy Vietor To: Rich Miller Re: Obama press release No comment!
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor WASHINGTON, D.C. — A top aide to U.S. Sen. Barack Obama refused to confirm or deny today that the popular freshman legislator despises kittens. “No comment!” said Obama press spokesman Tommy Vietor when asked about rumors that the affable senator harbors an intense but secret hatred of the fluffy cuties. Vietor would only say that Obama is “pro-puppy.”
A spokesperson for the National Association for the Advancement of Cat Owners decried Obama’s unwillingness to take a firm stand on the widespread cat-hating rumors. “That’s just so cowardly,” Tawny Kitaen said. “If he thinks he’s going to be president one day, he’s got another think coming.”
A National Organization for Women leader noted that often when men despise cats they also resent women. “I think we’ve been given a profound insight into Sen. Obama’s character,” said NOW national vice president Feo Hassenmänner.
From: Tommy Vietor To: Rich Miller I believe we need to set a timetable for kitten withdrawal from Iraq, too.
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor KISSIMMEE, Fla. — President George W. Bush today attacked U.S. Sen. Barack Obama for suggesting that he set a timetable for withdrawing kittens from Iraq. “As long as I’m president, kitties will be able to freely roam that country under our protection,” Bush said. Obama has been enmeshed in controversy since a spokesperson refused to deny rumors that he is a cat-hater. Vice President Dick Cheney released a statement this morning from his undisclosed bunker, charging that Obama was “supporting the terrorists,” with his “irresponsible” call to withdraw kittens from the war-torn nation. The Drudge Report added more fuel to the fire this afternoon when it ran a huge headline decrying Obama as a “LIBERAL HYPOCRITE BIGOT” because his children own two toy cats purchased at Wal-Mart and made in China. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has announced that his chamber will conduct a bipartisan ethics inquiry of Obama, despite the fact that no ethics rules appear to have been violated and no Democrats will be allowed on the committee.
Washington Post editor Bob Woodward and former New York Times reporter Judith Miller are expected to speak on behalf of the Bush administration during CNN’s Larry King Live program later tonight. One thing is certain, say wealthy Democratic insiders who never have kind words for Democrats: Obama must get in front of this story before his once-bright future is ruined.
From: Rich Miller To: Tommy Vietor Tonight, on 60 Minutes . . . (tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick) . . . Tommy Vietor had it all — the finest Kmart suits, a cold-water flat in the tony southeast corner of the nation’s capital, a vintage 1978 Plymouth Fury, and a 16-hour-a-day job as press secretary to U.S. Sen. Barack Obama. But the high life ended last year when Vietor revealed that his boss hated kittens. A horrified nation watched as Obama was forced to resign from the Senate in disgrace. 60 Minutes recently found Vietor working at this tuna-processing plant in rural Maine, where, ironically, dozens of cats — the animal that got Obama into so much trouble — now follow him home every night . . . (tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick).
Don’t think that it couldn’t happen.