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Wednesday, March 7, 2007 12:49 pm

Revised ethics testing

Are you the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child?

Untitled Document The story: A $100,000-a-year state boss, with many Social Security numbers and youthful misdemeanors, tried to force her $70,000-a-year “chauffeur” to sleep with her. It could be true — or not. Either way, the confused woman should be cut some slack, because the situation was not covered in the state’s ethics test. How was she to know ethical from unethical? Legislators are appalled and outraged — because they are stewards of the taxpayers’ money and because you can’t buy a decent hooker for the $50 a day they get for lunch.
Appalling! Outrageous! When I was a state worker, years ago, my pal Tony and I bet a lunch on who could finish the ethics test faster. Tony won, three minutes to my four, only because I forgot who owned the Statehouse at the time and consequently struggled with the question “Are Republicans: (a) serial killers or (b) pedophiles?”
The test was too general — it needed to specifically relate to “employee organizational level.” I believe the much-maligned state official with the “chauffeur” in question would have known her right from her wrong had the questions been more suitable. A new test follows. As with all government tests, you are limited to the answers supplied, because your opinions don’t count.
Section A: Political Appointees

1. Does the “Do me or you’re fired rule” apply equally to men and women? (a) Yes. (b) No.
2. Can you force your chauffeur to provide more “variety,” even if he stipulated “missionary position only” on his job application? (a) Yes. (b) No. 
3. What is the proper “employee evaluation” if your chauffeur brings “less” to the job than he promised? (a) Employee does not meet expectations.  (b) You’re fired!  (c) You gotta be kidding me!
4. If your chauffeur is on vacation and you’re really “tense,” can you force a state carpenter to have sex with you (because, after all, “carpenter” is spelled something like “chauffeur,” ain’t it)? (a) Yes. (b) No.
5. When you call an “8 a.m. sharp emergency meeting,” what time should you go to the meeting? (a) 10 a.m. (b) 11 a.m. (c) After The Jerry Springer Show ends.
Section B: Midlevel Managers and Other Merit-Comp Employees
1. How late should you work after hours to make up for the six hours you lost waiting for the political-appointee boss to arrive at the “8 a.m. sharp emergency meeting”? (a) 7 p.m. (b) 10 p.m. (c) Until tomorrow’s “8 a.m. sharp emergency meeting”

2. How much of the recently promised 7 percent year-end bonus for good work will you actually get?  (a) Less than 1 percent.  (b) Nothing (all of the money will be used to increase chauffeur pay, because they will not always have sex for a paltry $70,000, and who can blame ’em?).
Section C: Lower-Level Workers Protected by Political Sponsors
1. How many sick days a year should you use as vacation days? (a) Eight (b) 10 (c) All of ’em
2. How many office supplies can you steal each year? (a) $152 worth (b) $176 worth (c) All of ’em
3. If you come in on Monday and your PC’s clock is screwed up and says that it’s Sunday, what do you do after you immediately leave and go home? (a) Go to church (b) Mow the lawn (c) Take a well-deserved nap
4. Are you the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child? (a) Yes. (b) Probably — after all, I often go to the Bahamas over lunch hour.
Section D: Senior Public Administrators Who Are Actually Chauffeurs
1. Is it appropriate to use a state car to cruise around the Capitol and make fun of state employees doing real work? 
(a)Yes. (b) No.
2. When your only other job option is collecting aluminum cans, is it proper to use your state car to store some aluminum cans? Just for practice? In case your boss imposes the “Do me or you’re fired” rule and you just aren’t up to it — and she fires you? (a) Yes. (b) Twelve.

3. Are you the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child?  (a) Yes. (b) Not sure.

Section E: Regular Hardworking Employees
1. Which is correct? (a) I hate this @#$%&! job. (b) A chauffeur who makes $70,000 has every right to make fun of me while I work. (c) Both (a) and (b).
2. Will Anna Nicole Smith get the promotion you deserve — even though she’s dead?  (a) Yes.  (b) Of course.
Section F: The Governor
1. How many correction officers or front-line mental-heath workers can you hire with a wasted $100,000 salary and a completely unnecessary $70,000 salary and another $50,000 or so for an unnecessary car and operating expenses? (a) I don’t have a clue. (b) I don’t have a clue.
2. What the hell is going on? (a) I don’t have a clue. (b) I don’t have a clue.
End of test.
Contact Doug Bybee Sr. at