IllinoisTimes - Advice Goddess Fri, 21 Oct 16 00:00:00 -0500 en hourly 1 Talk dirt-cheap to me Talk dirt-cheap to me 
My husband of a year is very tight with cash. It’s always save, save, save. I recently traded in my car and I needed $1,000 more for the new one, but he never offered to give it to me. My parents en...]]>
Wealth care crisis Wealth care crisis
A female friend of mine just broke up with her billionaire boyfriend. She told me she wasn’t happy. The guy is super picky about whether you put things back in exactly the right spot and doesn’t h...]]>
A mile in somebody else’s choose A mile in somebody else’s choose
 I’m a woman who’s on the feminist dating app Bumble, where women have to make the first move. Men can only write back to women who message them. I thought this would be empowering, but even...]]>
Thinking outside the boobs Thinking outside the boobs
I’m a man who likes to girl-watch. I do this from behind very dark glasses, yet I still elicit scowls from women. Recently, I was at a help desk, and I availed myself of the view down the receptioni...]]>
Loaf Actually Loaf Actually
 I’m a 35-year-old woman, and my boyfriend of a year is 43. Sadly, my friends and family don’t like him. They think he’s “not good enough” for me. Their argument: He doesn’t have a fu...]]>
Casualties of war paint Casualties of war paint
I dragged my boyfriend into the makeup store Sephora, and he said, “Save your money. You don’t need any of this stuff. I like you better without makeup.” Huh? Why is there a huge makeup industry...]]>
Aisle always love you Aisle always love you
 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and we really love each other. His parents adore me and are thrilled that he might not die alone. After his mom saw us being all cudd...]]>
Duck Face the Nation Duck Face the Nation
 I’m a woman in my late 20s. Guys don’t have car crashes looking at me, but I am pretty and have a nice boyfriend. I have three drop-dead gorgeous girlfriends who are perpetually single, but...]]>
Shaggedy Ann Shaggedy Ann
When I was in my 20s watching “Sex and the City,” I saw the Samantha Jones character as a sexual role model – thinking I could have love-‘em-and-leave-‘em sex like her. However, even when I...]]>
Casual coroner Casual coroner
I dress like a tomboy: jeans, T-shirts, hoodies and work boots. My boyfriend of a year wants me to wear skirts and dresses more often. Nothing trashy. Just not my usual tomboy wear. This weekend I wor...]]>
Look on the always right side Look on the always right side
 I’m a Harvard-educated man in my late 30s. I’ve had many ugly arguments with girlfriends, probably because I am highly opinionated and won’t give in when I’m right. I’ve always da...]]>
Crazy cad lady Crazy cad lady
Four months ago, I started hooking up with this hot guy I met on Tinder. He isn’t someone I’d normally go for; he’s a total mess and serious trouble. He always made me come to his place and I al...]]>
People who needle people People who needle people
 A female friend overheard me on the phone with my boyfriend and became concerned. He and I tease each other relentlessly, calling each other mean silly names, but it’s all in fun. Though we ha...]]>
Stray it forward Stray it forward
I’m a single guy who started a “friends with benefits” thing two months ago with an unhappily married female co-worker. We’ve since developed feelings for each other and started talking about...]]>
Skinny genes Skinny genes
 I’ve always been a very athletic guy. I do jujitsu every day. When I don’t exercise, I feel depressed. My girlfriend, however, has never been very physically active. She has a great body –...]]>
Fasten your deceit belt Fasten your deceit belt
I’m a 44-year-old woman who’s been dating a successful actor for a year. When we met, he told me he was 35. Well, in picking up a prescription for him, I discovered he’s actually 42. I’m relie...]]>
The gift of blab The gift of blab
 My girlfriend tells her mother and her friends pretty much everything. Literally four of her friends and her mom were weighing in on her recent urinary tract infection. I just don’t get why sh...]]>
Unzipping your genes Unzipping your genes
I’m increasingly frustrated by your views that women are attracted to men with status or wealth and don’t care much about men’s looks. Personally, I’m not attracted by men’s status or wealth...]]>
Someday, her prince will run Someday, her prince will run
 I’m a single woman in my 40s. It’s been ages since I’ve seriously dated anyone. People tell me that I seem “closed off.” I don’t want to be, but I worry that I’ll get into another...]]>
Canine-and- a-half weeks Canine-and- a-half weeks
My girlfriend sleeps with her two medium-sized dogs. They are, to quote her, her “babies.” I see them more as her bodyguards. We don’t live together, but even when I sleep over, which is a few t...]]>
You’re the none for me You’re the none for me
 You’ll probably think I’m messing with you, but I swear I’m not. I am a man who has no desire to have sex. I was married, but after my wife got pregnant with our second (planned) child, we...]]>
The litter prince The litter prince
My boyfriend and I just moved in together, and it’s going well except for how he leaves empty containers and trash everywhere. I asked him to please just put these in the garbage. He did this – fo...]]>
Fresh Prince of Bel-Stare Fresh Prince of Bel-Stare
 My boyfriend “loves women.” When we’re out, he’ll check out and comment on every hot girl. I get that he’s just “appreciating their beauty,” but it makes me feel really bad – ang...]]>
The bleh lagoon The bleh lagoon
I’m a guy in my late 20s. Two years ago I started a friends-with-benefits thing with a woman, which honestly has turned into one of the most relaxed, comfortable relationships I’ve had. Unfortunat...]]>
All in a day’s jerk All in a day’s jerk
 I’m a happily married 30-year-old woman. A co-worker pointed out a senior trainer at work constantly sneaking lustful glances at me. I was later assigned to his section. We quickly became clos...]]>
What you seethe is what you get What you seethe is what you get
My boyfriend of a year used to fly into rages. He and his ex had huge, ugly screaming fights. He now uses “mental tricks” to stay calmer. Obviously, rage is a bad thing, but it’s also a passiona...]]>
The mummy’s cursor The mummy’s cursor
I’m a woman in my 20s, and female friends and I find that, generally speaking, once a guy gets into a relationship, his texting dwindles into brief news bites, like “fell asleep!” or “phone di...]]>
Slight of hand Slight of hand
My boyfriend mistakenly sent me a text meant for somebody else – a real estate agent with my same first name who’s showing him apartments. This made me feel like I’m unimportant – easily confu...]]>
We’ll always have parasite We’ll always have parasite
When I got remarried, I inherited a stepdaughter. Though she and my husband had been estranged for many years, I was instrumental in getting them to reconcile. I’ve come to regret this. She is a rag...]]>
Papa’s got a brand new hag - Amy Alkon, Advice Goddess, advice columns, California, Springfield, traveling boyfriend, FaceTime, video calls, zombie Orson Welles, male sexuality, female sexuality, the contrast effect, attractiveness, Hollywood, evolutionary psychologists Douglas Kenri Papa’s got a brand new hag - Amy Alkon, Advice Goddess, advice columns, California, Springfield, traveling boyfriend, FaceTime, video calls, zombie Orson Welles, male sexuality, female sexuality, the contrast effect, attractiveness, Hollywood, evolutionary psychologists Douglas Kenri
 My boyfriend travels a lot, and when he’s away, he wants to video call over FaceTime. Well, I look absolutely hideous on FaceTime, and I don’t want to do it. And really, who doesn’t look s...]]>