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Thursday, Sept. 3, 2015 12:10 am

Wait lifting

Amy Alkon
I’m a 37-year-old woman. I’ve always been quick to have sex, but I’m trying to just “date” first. Well, I’ve been on five dates with this one guy, and all we’ve done is kiss. Now I’m beginning to think that he isn’t attracted to me or is put off by my past, which, unfortunately, I was honest about. – Dismayed

Try to think of this as artisanal dating. Maybe he’s finished building the bed out of antique Popsicle sticks but his carpal tunnel kicked in while he was killing the flock of ducks for the mattress or spinning the cotton for the sheets.

If that sounds like a stretch, well, it’s no more of one than your notion – that the guy’s gone out with you five times because he finds you repellant or stays up nights picturing your sexual past (complete with barricades and rent-a-cops for crowd control). Do you think he’s enrolled in some underground rewards program, like you go out with a woman six times and you get a complimentary latte or maybe an iTunes gift card?

Evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt point out that “human mating is inherently strategic.” Genetically, they explain, it’s generally in a man’s best interest to pursue a “short-term sexual strategy.” (Scientific journals and tenure committees frown on terms like “hit it and quit it.”) Basically, a man can limit his participation in sex to the fun part and still pass on his genes. Women coevolved to expect men to try for this sort of limited participation (so your bewilderment at his crossed legs isn’t exactly surprising). But a man can come to a point where a “long-term sexual strategy” becomes wiser, and it’s generally when he’s serious about finding a partner and not just a sex partner for the evening.

Note that the guy keeps coming to pick you up, and not because he is an Uber driver or is being held at gunpoint by your mother. You could say something to him – maybe “Hey, I was really hoping you’d take me home one of these nights.” This may be the nudge he needs to make a move – or at least tell you what’s up. And sure, it is within the realm of possibility that he has ED, an STD, low sexual desire or a seriously small penis and is waiting until you’re emotionally attached to break out the news. But it’s also possible that you aren’t the only woman he’s seeing and he’s trying to be adult about it, meaning that he’s learned that many women get emotionally attached after sex. Sleeping with two women is a good way to end up with a girlfriend – and one would-be girlfriend in the bushes with ricin-tipped blow darts, or at least searching Yelp for the best-rated local assassins.

©2015, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email ( Weekly radio show: Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck” (St. Martin’s Press, June 3, 2014).


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