Stumped for gift ideas?
We’ve got you covered
Christmas is upon us, and who knows where the time went?
As is often the case, there are, again, more folks in need of presents than time to shop. Just figuring out what to get everyone is more than half the battle, and so, in an effort to prove useful, below are some helpful suggestions for holiday giving. Sorry, no returns.
J.B. PRITZKER: A bong, a pack of rolling papers and a lighter.
BRUCE RAUNER: Pants with a padded behind for when the door hits him.
MAYOR JIM LANGFELDER: An allowance. Between donut shop signs and consultants, he needs one.
CITY TAXPAYERS: A tax hike – oh wait, that’s what they got for Easter.
SANGAMON COUNTY JUDGES: Something to do, given drops in trials and cases filed.
CAPITAL TOWNSHIP: See Sangamon County judges.
WARD 7 ALD. JOE McMENAMIN: One million dollars for his campaign – they’re gunning for him this time.
THE REST OF THE CITY COUNCIL: Joe McMenamin
THE ABRAHAM LINCOLN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY AND MUSEUM: A hat that belonged to Abraham Lincoln.
FRANK EDWARDS: A chance.
THE SANGAMON COUNTY BOARD: More Democrats – a gift someone would never get for himself is always appreciated.
THE STATE JOURNAL-REGISTER: More reporters so they can have a basketball team.
MIKE MADIGAN: Nothing. Sometimes, a man who has everything really doesn’t need anything.
STATE REPRESENTATIVE-ELECT MIKE MURPHY: Pancakes. He’s gonna miss them.
SARA WOJCICKI JIMENEZ: Some peace and quiet.
ADAM LOPEZ: A miracle.
BRAD SCHAIVE: Some cheese to go with his, well, you know.
VILLAGE OF JEROME: BOGO deals on street paving gear and loads of asphalt.
THE STATE FAIR: Better bands than Foreigner and Culture Club.
STATE REP. JEANNE IVES: A job.
THE Y BLOCK: A better leveling job and genuine bluegrass so we can have a town green proper – anything else is going to take awhile.
THE HOMELESS: Respect and a better future.
JENNIFER GILL: More students enrolled in advanced placement classes, and better scores on AP tests, to go along with new buildings.
JACK CAMPBELL: Four years without anyone dying in the county jail.
CHOO CHOO TRAINS: Crossing gates and fences, because you can never have too many.
SANGAMON COUNTY ANIMAL CONTROL: Fewer dogs and fewer cats.
STATE TREASURER MICHAEL FRERICHS: A purpose
U.S. DISTRICT COURT JUDGE COLIN BRUCE: An email encryption device.
ANCHORS AWAY SEAFOOD RESTAURANT: Parking on Capitol Avenue.
TOM SHAFER: More than 5 percent of the vote in the Ward 2 aldermanic race.
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS SPRINGFIELD: More students.
LELAND GROVE: A shiny new 500-unit apartment complex – wouldn’t that be fun?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN CAPITAL CITY AIRPORT: Relevance.
AMTRAK: A depot bigger than a bread box.
THE STATE FAIRGROUNDS: New buildings. And new roads. And a new grandstand. And a new…
THE GOVERNOR’S MANSION: Alarms on toilets so they don’t go missing.
SAM McCANN: An accounting wizard, or a good lawyer, so he can figure out a way to keep that SUV he bought with campaign money.
STATEHOUSE REPUBLICAN LEADER JIM DURKIN: Condolences.
STATE SENATE REPUBLICANS: A stretch limousine so they can carpool to the Capitol.
DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD: No parking meters. Sometimes, less is more.
THE DIOCESE OF SPRINGFIELD: Either a full accounting of sexual misdeeds by priests or a sleigh filled with subpoenas.
THE ILLINOIS POLICY INSTITUTE: Better luck next time.
WHITE OAKS MALL: A bowling alley. Lord knows, there’s plenty of room.
THOSE EMPTY SHOP ’N SAVE STORES: Thrift shops. Nothing screams “thriving business climate” like places to buy used clothes.
Contact Bruce Rushton at firstname.lastname@example.org.