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Tuesday, June 20, 2006 01:41 am

Hamburger, in the eye of the beholder

Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, hold this thought

Doctor: No more hamburgers for you! Neighborhood bar and grill: $2. Police officer: The alleged hamburger. Teenager: Like, you know, like hamburger. Old-timer: In my day, we didn’t have hamburgers. We ate dirt, and we were damn happy to have dirt. Why, I remember one time in ’48, maybe ’49, we were playin’ football with a rock, and we were damn happy to have a rock and . . . Fast food: All-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun — $3.95. Assistant: Hamburger helper. Politician (national): I have a hamburger vision. Politician (state): The hamburger is in Chicago. Politician (local): I’ve never smoked a hamburger. Ex-Illinois governors: Wednesday is hamburger day in the prison mess hall. Bad hamburger poet: I think that I shall take a seat/and eat hamburgers as a treat./No need for bun and all its wheat,/the fat alone makes it complete./A cookie baked upon a sheet,/tastes OK — but where’s the meat?/And once I tried to eat a beet,/but I could not complete the feat. /For as we know, when life is sweet,/the greasy burger can’t be beat. Minister: God bless the hamburger. Stockbroker: Sell hamburgers; buy hot dogs. Broker fee: $100. Bad hamburger joke: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda have another hamburger? Classic hamburger joke: I went to a movie the other day, and in the front row was a bald man with a hamburger toupee on his head. The movie was both funny and sad. In the sad parts, the hamburger cried; in the funny parts, the hamburger laughed. After the film ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” I said. “That hamburger really seemed to enjoy the film.” The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is amazing, because it hated the book.” Editor: Do you need to say “on his head?” Does not “toupee” imply that the hamburger is on his head? Philosopher: Those who live by the hamburger die by the hamburger. It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. Vegetarian: Soy burger. Meat market: Ground USDA chuck. Chain restaurant: Hickory-smoked prime beef smothered in our signature barbecue sauce, nestled on a bed of garden-fresh iceberg lettuce, sprinkled with hearty California sun-kissed parsley, flanked by a succulent medley of homegrown premium hand-picked onions, accompanied by our world-famous extra-thick homemade mustard blend. Served on a fresh-baked hoagie roll, topped off with a deluxe array of crisp pickles. $9.95. Add our celebrated mushrooms for only $2.95. Top-of-the-line restaurant: $29.95 Springfield: Hamburger horseshoe. Belgium: Hamburger horsemeat. State worker: Take your time cookin’ that hamburger — I’m on a three-hour lunch break. Psychiatrist: How does the hamburger make you feel? Grade-school teacher: Don’t talk while you’re chewing, and never end a hamburger with a sentence. Coach: There’s no “I” in hamburger. Conservative: Another example of the left-wing liberal press misleading the American people — for, after exhaustive study, we have determined that the so-called hamburger is, in fact, more beef than ham. We have therefore initiated a lawsuit to . . . Liberal: Another example of the Bush administration in bed with big business to mislead the American people — for, after exhaustive study, we have determined that the so-called hamburger is, in fact, more beef than ham. We have therefore initiated a lawsuit to . . . U.S. Supreme Court: Ham v. Burger Me: I think I’ll have a double hamburger with everything, extra onions, large fries, and a tall glass of cold beer. Wife: Think again! No more hamburgers for you!


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